What I am about to tell you is simply unconventional.  Your plight is my wheelhouse.  I’m a mechanic that works on poorly built human motors, transmissions (that’s your spine, or ‘core’ if you absolutely must), worn out bushings, suspensions, and fuel systems.  By the way, why is it that we simply can’t ‘eat less food’ and try to put premium fuel in the take to begin with?

Why are we trying to redesign the basic mechanics of how your body moves?  Do you really need that gym membership and the 24 pack of personal training sessions?

You’re fat.  All of the Pilates, Barre, Yoga interventions, running, lifting, praying (you should pray by the way), meditating, gluten avoiding, diet hopping, and other circus acts haven’t put a dent in the scale.  Fire your trainer, get out of the gym, and just simply, for goodness sake, ‘eat less today.’

You’re injured.  You have been promised that running 5 miles after performing 100 burpees would land you a 750 pound dead lift.  Haven’t you considered that when you slam your thumb under a hammer 100 times, it hurts?  You could put a bandage on your thumb, or, why not throw away the hammer instead?  You could get surgery, but why do you need surgery in the first place?  Now you have the extra burden and cost of dry needling, taping, scraping, burning, and other sadistic rituals to unscrew what shouldn’t have been screwed that way in the first place.

You’re old.  I know you carried a big stick around the field to beat all of the cheerleaders off of you when you were the star quarterback at your division III high school in 1971, but just because it was a good idea then, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea now.  Stop what your doing and repeat after me-‘Fiber, water, more vegetables, nose hair trimmers, stretch what is tight, and strengthen what is weak.’  These are words to live by, wise Sage.

Listen, Folks.  I’m a mechanic that works on poorly built human motors, transmissions, worn out bushings, suspensions, and fuel systems.  You need a mechanic who can diagnose, and fix your carriage.  You only have one, so you’d better start listening.  I have the tools, welcome in.